Hygiene for Dirtbaguettes

Hygiene for Dirtbaguettes

If you’re like the two of us at Trail Talks, you spend a considerable amount of time without  convenient access to a shower, sink, or Western countries’ comforts in general. We have spent the last year or more living out of of tents, cars, and generous friends’ couches. We are not the type who take dishwashers for granted and find our hair looks best after a weeks’ worth of dirt and scum embedded in the roots to increase volume. Sometimes laundry consists of throwing our climbing pants in the backseat, “forgetting” after a week or so if they’re clean or not, and donning them again to sweat our hoo hahs off all over again. Sooooo for those of you who are sick of having to cross your legs as a necessity rather than a want, for those of us who like to live outside but sometimes like to adhere to societal standards just to see what it feels like, please read on for some tried and true tactics from y’gurls at Trail Talks.

1. The ever-reliable Slut Shower

Now, listen here, kiddos. Just because you use this kind of shower doesn’t mean you are a slut. It just happens to have acquired the label because of the pleasing alliteration. (On that note, be a slut! Keep your legs closed forever! TT doesn’t judge.) What you’ll need is a large stack of Baby Wipes or associated off-brand. Scent and size up to your discretion. Now what we want to focus on here is Pits, Tits, and Lady Bits. Or to make it easier for everyone, just y’Bits. The Slut Shower saves water, is quick, portable, and can be useful in backcountry situations where you really need to ration your underwear and prefer not to have dirt turning to mud under your tits.

2. Off-the grid baking soda

If you’re like the gals at TT, deodorant is expensive and usually unnecessary and filled with shit that kills fetal puppies. But in the case that you’re just smelling a little too funky or for whatever ridiculous reason need to hang out with fancy people, ninety-nine cent baking soda will do it. This common ingredient also won’t make you smell like eau de zucchini or lady dragon butthole or whatever nauseating scents people seem to be coming up with. It simply neutralizes your odor until you can go back to being the chicken-soup scented goddess that you are. A quick word of warning: too much use will result in extreme dryness and itching and adhering to a societally-accepted odor will be negated by your aggressive scratching. We recommend coconut oil if needed.

3. A pee rag

TT has done a fair bit of backcountry missions where, for days on end, it is necessary to drop trow and squat to pee. As ladies, we are unable to shake an appendage to be rid of dripping and oftentimes don’t have the time or patience to let the breeze dry y’bits. This can result in some soggy underwear and a general stench of urine. In this case, TT recommends a pee rag. We used matching ones while backpacking the Maze in Canyonlands National Park and were subsequently able to wear our shorts commando, no longer afraid of seepage. Since it was a dry environment, we were able to hang the pee rags from the backpacks so they could air out. (Laundry by Mother Nature!) If using a pee rag, TT recommends hand sanitizer before cooking shared backcountry meals.

4. The She Wee

Evin recently acquired one of these babies as a generous and practical gift from her boo thang, and in her words, it has, “changed the game.” If you’re unfamiliar with this specific technology, it involves a sort of funnel but in festive colors where one pees into and thus can avoid squatting and becoming quite an exhibitionist. Some things to keep in mind: be sure to rinse your She Wee before placing in your pocket (Evin learned her lesson the hard way) and be sure to pee in locations where you can avoid splashing. Perhaps seek advice from male friends on further technique.

5. Stop giving a shit

Everyone stinks, everyone probably has pee in their underwear and maybe even accidentally pooped in the parking lot of your rafting company without a wiping accessory nearby. We promise that once you accept that your armpits want to express themselves and that vaginas don’t owe you anything, you’re unstoppable. Be free, my stanky Himalayan snow leopardesses.